MASTERING MY THOUGHTS

I’m not crazy. Just different and I like me that way. I used to do stupid things to get peoples’ attention, but no more. My friend DJ was different too. We would do things like eating apple pie sprinkled with ants from the backyard that we covered with hot chocolate. He is no longer my friend, and I am to blame. Losing his friendship has affected me deeply, that is why I see Dr. Better. Dr. Better is my psychiatrist. She always smiles when I walk into her office. She is one of the few people who smile when they see me. She has asked that I keep a journal to release my thoughts on paper when she is not available. I’ve noticed a change in myself since I started “Mastering My Thoughts” (my journal) and I write in my journal daily, several times a day sometimes.
“Human” by Rag’n’Bone Man is blaring from the speakers (only because I’m home alone). I just cleaned my room (don’t want to hear mom bitch about she’s my mom, not my maid). It’s time to start “Mastering My Thoughts.” For some odd reason, I write best when the music is loud, and the words of the song are saying something meaningful. I have a mixed variety of songs on my media player like “Smiling Faces” by Undisputed Truth, “River” by Bishop Briggs, “Legendary” by Welshly Arms and John P Kee’s “Lily in the Valley.”

MASTERING MY THOUGHTS
My name is Cree. I am lost and not sure if anyone is looking for me (not even myself). One day I’m seeking help and the next I am running from the support offered. The voices in my head are making me afraid, and the medication I should be taking tend to make the voices in my head mad.
My mind is running a marathon while my body is stiff from confusion. I’m writing to relax and release. If you can help, I am deeply indebted to you. If not, your prayers will do. If you think you are better than me, well, THINK AGAIN!!! If you have nothing to offer, you should continue to read, and soon you too will be “¿making sense of nonsense?”
May 17
Today’s quote: “Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.”
No straightjacket can comfort me. No painkiller can ease my pain. I can’t undo what I’ve done, and I can’t un-see what I’ve seen or un-hear the screams of that night. Pieces of me are scattered abroad, and there is no return. My soul is asleep, and I’m at a loss in my mind, where smiles are frowns turned upside down, where my friends’ laughter becomes screams. Where roses are black, and the kiss of death is real.
When common sense is forgotten, the law does not exist. Six months ago today, on my 17th birthday I stole my mothers’ car, picked up DJ and we just drove around town listening to music and drinking the Hennessy he stole from his father’s liquor cabinet. I knew not to drink and drive but did so anyway. I lost control of the car as I increased the speed and the car crashed into a tree. DJ was not wearing his seatbelt and was ejected and killed instantly. I sustained minor injuries, physically… but mentally I’ll never be the same.
May 18
Today’s quote: “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
Vehicular homicide is a serious crime. DJ’s death was my fault, and people are saying I should suffer for taking his life. I’m scared and talking to Dr. Better doesn’t help. I did wrong and must suffer the consequences. I do regret the decision I made, but that doesn’t bring DJ back. I know that my choice to enjoy my birthday while drinking and driving with my best friend has changed the lives of so many people and I am remorseful. Some look at me with disgust and others treat me as if I don’t exist. His parents have forgiven me and have asked that I forgive myself. That’s hard to do because I am my worst critic.
May 19
Today’s quote: “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.”
The voices in my head are saying shit like, “Why are you here? You should be dead.” and “DJ’s dead because of you.” My response is, “DJ stole the Hennessy, not me.” But then, I think… he didn’t put a gun to my head and make me drink it. Maybe I should… but that will only cause my Moms pain. I would like to see DJ again. Does DJ want to see me?
MAY 20
Today’s quote: “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
Today I meet with my lawyers. Don’t ask me how I knew but I woke this morning knowing that something good was going to happen. Some life-changing shit. It’s 7:00 am, and as I get dressed, I hear DJ’s parents’ talking to Moms. I thank the Higher Powers That Be that the Jenkin’s are well known and respected people in Ayúdame, Georgia and am grateful they knew DJ and I were good friends. If I could, I would take his place, because the thought of being locked up weighs heavy on me.
I sit on the edge of my bed eavesdropping on the conversation the adults are having and realize that they are waiting for me.
May 21
Today’s quote: “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”
Long story short: The Jenkins used their influence within the community, and I can rest assured that the charge of vehicular homicide is no longer a threat. They asked that I honor my friendship with DJ by living my best life. And today I made several promises… to myself and The Jenkins.
Promise to DJ and his parents: I will live my best life and vow to make a difference by also taking every opportunity to speak to my peers about drinking and driving.
Promise to myself: I will forget my past mistakes but not the lessons learned from the mistakes. I will pursue my dreams. I will appreciate and celebrate the life I have. I will live my best life and make a difference in doing so.
May 22
Today’s quote: “Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
I am a work in progress looking to empower myself and those around me. Healing from within and moving forward will help me continue on the right path. I take one day at a time and set reachable goals. And I will keep reaching for the stars.
DJ and I made plans to hike Mount Cambio Positivo this summer. I will honor our friendship and climb by myself. Doing so will give me the opportunity to reflect on past experiences, plan life, let go and surrender to the Higher Powers That Be.
THIS IS NOT THE END

Published by Belinda Gulley Bates

Hi, my name is Belinda. I am an Introvert/Silent Observer with untold stories waiting for a read. I enjoy people watching, reading, road trips, and writing. I smile, laugh, cry, and can be quite bashful when the opportunity presents itself. My mind runs a marathon that has yet to end, and I write to relax and release.

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