I’m an introvert, a silent observer. I only speak when necessary, but mentally I absorb all the bullshit I encounter. I use what I can and store the irrelevant info for possible use later. The conversations with myself are sometimes more engaging than those had with so-called normal people. Abnormal is the new normal. I’m also an empath. I see bullshit and recognize assholes before they are announced or introduced to me. That is one of many things that people love to hate about me. My silence and intuitiveness often lead to people calling me uppity. And since I choose not to engage in their stupidity, I remain silent. My superpower is treating people like they don’t exist. Having someone question their existence in my presence after they have attempted to belittle me is funny as fuck. I remain nonchalant and wait for them to “get the message.” It’s sad, but it usually takes a while.
Day four of MY TRUTH
March 28, 2021
I wake each morning thankful to be among the living, healthy, and surrounded by family that loves me. And with this prayer: I come to you this morning grateful to be alive, giving praise and asking for strength to make it through yet another day, faith to conquer all quests I encounter, and common sense to keep me sane as I navigate through today’s journey. I ask for these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Day three of MY TRUTH
March 27, 2021
So much has changed in my life, but the day I met Jake was the beginning of it changing for the better.
Care if I join you?” he asked.
My response was slow and unexpected, but I’m glad I answered as I did. “Only if you give me your name first and know that I’m just taking a walk.”
“My name is Jake. And I’d walk to the end of the earth for and with you.”
Speechless, I smile and start to walk. We walk in silence for a minute or two until Jake asks for my name. I reply, “Rayne,” and noticed that his smile grew bigger, and this causes my heart to melt, and I realize that this weird energy between the two of us is merely attraction. As we walk and talk, we learn that we only live three blocks from each other and have a lot in common.
Jake, like myself, was being pressured to stay in Waycross to go to college when he wanted to be far away from his hovering parents. They mean well, but the smothering could drive anyone insane. I explained my parents’ struggle with drug addiction and my molestation as GeeMa’s reason for wanting me close to home. I knew she wanted to keep an eye on me, and I swear I saw his heart sank. I asked if I shared too much too soon, and he assured me that he was pleased that I was comfortable enough to be so honest and said he wanted to be there for me if ever I need to talk.
I was only comfortable in my own skin when I was in Jake’s presence. Something about him says I see you and accept you as are, flaws and all.
I miss you Mommie. Daddy can’t do my hair. And Grandma refuses to even try. Grandpa suggests a beauty salon, but daddy reminds him that you don’t trust them with my hair. They all say I should get a perm. That won’t happen. I am going to wear my hair natural…like yours.
Yesterday I managed to brush my hair into a large curly afro puff. This will be my go-to style until I learn how to do more with my hair. Gram and Gramps are still here. They act as if Dad I are lost without them. I am lost without You. It’s only been two weeks since Christ called you home and I wish Gram and Gramps would go home (back home to Florida that is).
I am glad school is out, and summer is here. Just wish I could spend it with you.
Dad and I have decided to continue your family date night, and in your honor, we dined at In and Out. Dad looks so sad, and I know it’s because he misses you. He manages to smile every now and then, and I’m certain that is when he’s thinking of you.
LUV YOU MOMMIE
Day two of MY TRUTH
March 26, 2021:
Multi-personalities, schizophrenic, Sybil ain’t got shit on me. We all have more than one personality, and if you are unwilling to admit it, you are only lying to yourself. Once you face the truth, stand before it, and see it for what it is, hell, you may finally learn to love yourself, flaws and all. I love me, but I didn’t always like me.
Jake unknowingly stopped my first suicide attempt. I thought the demons within that day were calm, but as I walked along State Street, my thoughts shifted to faking a fall in front of a fast-moving semi-truck. I’d walked two blocks battling the demons inside me when I hear Aretha Franklin’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” playing in a car at the traffic light nearby. I look up, and our eyes are locked. Jake smiled, and something happened that I couldn’t explain, something I have never experienced before. And it was apparent that he, too, was feeling this unfamiliar energy that seemed to introduce and unite us. His friends continued to walk, but he stopped at my side, causing me to turn so that our gaze remained locked, and I managed to smile back at him. My life changed the day I met Jake. Jake is my best friend and savior.
Tell the truth and shame the devil. Look, listen and learn. Know when to laugh it off, live it up, and last but not least, let it go!!! That old saying comes to mind, That which does not kill you can only make you stronger. If that makes any sense to you, then what I have written so far has not been a total loss, and you have yet to understand that you are reading the ramblings of a crazy-ass woman by now. Join me as I release my thoughts to find my truth—journaling to keep my sanity. In search of that which is no longer but once was.
I will try to make daily entries; if I miss a day or two, pray for me.
March 25, 2021:
I search the radio for that song to relax me when I hear Paul Thorn’s I Don’t Like Half the Folks I Love. Not the music I would usually relax to, but the title alone seems relevant for the occasion.
These children are getting on my damn nerves. What am I to do in the house with three nonfiltered assholes? Ages four, seven, and twelve. Dad (Jake) is deployed and missed by all. Lucky bastard.
Jaden is four-years-old, more like 70. I swear he’s been here before. Jordan is seven and the only one in the house with any common sense right now. My twelve-year-old, Jai, is the introvert of the family and looks at silence as a blessing.
I, Rayne, wife to Jake and mother to three children, am looking to find and release my truth.
Bear with me.
I curse a little (okay, I’m lying, I swear a lot). I am human. I am not perfect. My flaws announce the truths that live within the imperfections that many consider sinful. Do your flaws entertain or disturb others?
And why do Christians’ (some not all) act as if they have never sinned?
I am a work in progress making no progress (yes, I got issues, don’t we all), and I am willing to stand before the world and shout it from the rooftop. And I won’t end the conversation with, “have a blessed day.” No use fronting like I gives a damn when I don’t. You are the so-called reformed whores, and I’m the no bull-shit realist. We each have our demons that need to be acknowledged then banished. I know the church is for sinners, not saints. Still, I prefer dwelling among the heathens who won’t step foot in a church but know that God is everywhere and loves us all than be in church with those who think just because they attend church and misquote the Bible that’s their passport to heaven and everyone else is bound to burn in hell.
The Bible has been rewritten, misquoted, and wrongly translated by heathens and sanctimonious hypocrites since before I was born. “God doesn’t make mistakes,” Chuɹɔh folks are quick to say this. Praising his name and giving glory to all he does. The same people are quick to say, “God loves all his children.” And then they call me an abomination.
Stop preaching positivity then underhandedly belittling people and talking about them behind their backs. Stop saying one thing while doing another; looking down your nose thinking you’re better than people just because you go to church. Stop asking people to come as they are then when they arrive you are judging as if you are Christ. You know like I do that you are lower and dirtier than the sinners you claim to help find Christ. And for the record, Christ is not lost… we are.
Quiet as it has been kept, I, too, sometimes ain’t got the sense God gave dirt. I’m four quarters short of a dollar and don’t give a fuck. Nobody is perfect. We are all a work in progress. Many Christians think they are perfect, and everyone else needs a cleansing of their sins. The casinos have more windows than any Church has true Christians.
I wake each morning asking for strength and an extra dose of common sense. Why lie about who you are and what you do when your lies pretty much announce your truths?
¿Can I get an Amen?
I’m not crazy. Just different and I like me that way. I used to do stupid things to get peoples’ attention, but no more. My friend DJ was different too. We would do things like eating apple pie sprinkled with ants from the backyard that we covered with hot chocolate. He is no longer my friend, and I am to blame. Losing his friendship has affected me deeply, that is why I see Dr. Better. Dr. Better is my psychiatrist. She always smiles when I walk into her office. She is one of the few people who smile when they see me. She has asked that I keep a journal to release my thoughts on paper when she is not available. I’ve noticed a change in myself since I started “Mastering My Thoughts” (my journal) and I write in my journal daily, several times a day sometimes.
“Human” by Rag’n’Bone Man is blaring from the speakers (only because I’m home alone). I just cleaned my room (don’t want to hear mom bitch about she’s my mom, not my maid). It’s time to start “Mastering My Thoughts.” For some odd reason, I write best when the music is loud, and the words of the song are saying something meaningful. I have a mixed variety of songs on my media player like “Smiling Faces” by Undisputed Truth, “River” by Bishop Briggs, “Legendary” by Welshly Arms and John P Kee’s “Lily in the Valley.”
MASTERING MY THOUGHTS
My name is Cree. I am lost and not sure if anyone is looking for me (not even myself). One day I’m seeking help and the next I am running from the support offered. The voices in my head are making me afraid, and the medication I should be taking tend to make the voices in my head mad.
My mind is running a marathon while my body is stiff from confusion. I’m writing to relax and release. If you can help, I am deeply indebted to you. If not, your prayers will do. If you think you are better than me, well, THINK AGAIN!!! If you have nothing to offer, you should continue to read, and soon you too will be “¿making sense of nonsense?”
Today’s quote: “Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.”
No straightjacket can comfort me. No painkiller can ease my pain. I can’t undo what I’ve done, and I can’t un-see what I’ve seen or un-hear the screams of that night. Pieces of me are scattered abroad, and there is no return. My soul is asleep, and I’m at a loss in my mind, where smiles are frowns turned upside down, where my friends’ laughter becomes screams. Where roses are black, and the kiss of death is real.
When common sense is forgotten, the law does not exist. Six months ago today, on my 17th birthday I stole my mothers’ car, picked up DJ and we just drove around town listening to music and drinking the Hennessy he stole from his father’s liquor cabinet. I knew not to drink and drive but did so anyway. I lost control of the car as I increased the speed and the car crashed into a tree. DJ was not wearing his seatbelt and was ejected and killed instantly. I sustained minor injuries, physically… but mentally I’ll never be the same.
Today’s quote: “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
Vehicular homicide is a serious crime. DJ’s death was my fault, and people are saying I should suffer for taking his life. I’m scared and talking to Dr. Better doesn’t help. I did wrong and must suffer the consequences. I do regret the decision I made, but that doesn’t bring DJ back. I know that my choice to enjoy my birthday while drinking and driving with my best friend has changed the lives of so many people and I am remorseful. Some look at me with disgust and others treat me as if I don’t exist. His parents have forgiven me and have asked that I forgive myself. That’s hard to do because I am my worst critic.
Today’s quote: “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.”
The voices in my head are saying shit like, “Why are you here? You should be dead.” and “DJ’s dead because of you.” My response is, “DJ stole the Hennessy, not me.” But then, I think… he didn’t put a gun to my head and make me drink it. Maybe I should… but that will only cause my Moms pain. I would like to see DJ again. Does DJ want to see me?
Today’s quote: “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
Today I meet with my lawyers. Don’t ask me how I knew but I woke this morning knowing that something good was going to happen. Some life-changing shit. It’s 7:00 am, and as I get dressed, I hear DJ’s parents’ talking to Moms. I thank the Higher Powers That Be that the Jenkin’s are well known and respected people in Ayúdame, Georgia and am grateful they knew DJ and I were good friends. If I could, I would take his place, because the thought of being locked up weighs heavy on me.
I sit on the edge of my bed eavesdropping on the conversation the adults are having and realize that they are waiting for me.
Today’s quote: “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”
Long story short: The Jenkins used their influence within the community, and I can rest assured that the charge of vehicular homicide is no longer a threat. They asked that I honor my friendship with DJ by living my best life. And today I made several promises… to myself and The Jenkins.
Promise to DJ and his parents: I will live my best life and vow to make a difference by also taking every opportunity to speak to my peers about drinking and driving.
Promise to myself: I will forget my past mistakes but not the lessons learned from the mistakes. I will pursue my dreams. I will appreciate and celebrate the life I have. I will live my best life and make a difference in doing so.
Today’s quote: “Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
I am a work in progress looking to empower myself and those around me. Healing from within and moving forward will help me continue on the right path. I take one day at a time and set reachable goals. And I will keep reaching for the stars.
DJ and I made plans to hike Mount Cambio Positivo this summer. I will honor our friendship and climb by myself. Doing so will give me the opportunity to reflect on past experiences, plan life, let go and surrender to the Higher Powers That Be.
THIS IS NOT THE END