I know it’s been a while since I’ve written in my journal, but Jake’s home from deployment. And I have been busy spending quality time with him and informing him of family matters. The kids are delighted, and I’m ecstatic to have him home. The so-called normalcy of family life has returned to our household. Jai, Jordan, Jaden, Jake, and I are not your typical family of five, but we are the new normal. We get on each other’s nerves but love the time we spend as a unit. Weekends camping as a family are common, and I cherish the long rides to the campsites. We enjoy hearing Jake reminisce about the outings he had with his family as a child. The scenery, smell, and sound of the outside are so vivid when he tells the stories we are invested from beginning to end. As we approach our campsite, I smile because I know we have arrived. Everyone is smiling, conversing, and already making plans for tonight.
May 2, 2021: MY TRUTH
Yesterday was eventful. Setting up tents, fishing, roasting marshmallows as we talk around the campfire. Jake was giving me the side-eye when I packed the chicken salad in the cooler but was grateful later. Is it considered fishing if we caught no fish?
Merriam-Webster defines a friend as a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person. A person who is not an enemy or foe. A person who helps or supports someone. Quiet as it’s kept, fake positivity is alive and thriving. I believe it can be worse than negativity. The toxic nature hides behind smiles, positive talk, and I have met some who embrace crystals. Many are often living double lives. Two-faced is what it was called back in the day. Friendly when in your face but behind your back, nothing but toxic talk.
A real friend is happy to see you make and reach your goals, knows when and how to tell you the truth, is around during good and bad times, and accepts you for you (flaws and all).
I AM AMAZING. I am beautiful. I am caring, confident, and creative. I am important. Bringing joy to others makes me happy. I am kind. I love, and I am loved. I am open to new ideas. I Am A Queen. I am respectful of myself and others. I am smart. I am thoughtful. I am unique. I am who I am, no doubt about that. Your approval is not needed.
Many say that there are times when it is necessary to lie. I agree with the few who say, “Hurt me with the truth, don’t comfort me with a lie.” And to not say anything when you know the truth is just a silent lie. Are some things best left unsaid?
Society’s perception of beauty has caused insecurities in many. Many people with personal insecurities have them because of someone’s judgment. “You’re fat. Your body shape is like a pear. You have too many freckles. Your skin is too dark. Your ass, nose, and lips are too big. What’s wrong with your hair?” These comments are often made by some who are dealing with insecurities themselves. They feel for some sad reason that tearing someone down will lift themselves. But when they lay their head on their pillow to go to sleep at night, they realize that attempt failed. Their insecurities about themselves still exist (embedded in their subconscious). Personal insecurities and self-hating do not discriminate. Men have insecurities that they need to acknowledge and address. Men have anxiety about being too short, circumcised or uncircumcised penises, developing breast, hair loss, small penises, do the penis work, weight. Males think that they are weak for admitting their insecurities. They suffer in silence because they are too ashamed to talk about what ails them. I honestly believe that we all have insecurities. I have learned to love what I call my flaws. As a teenager, I wore glasses. I ditched the glasses for contacts when I was in my twenties. And finally, I had lasik surgery. The moles under my eyes are what I now call God’s upgrade on his canvas (Me). Fifty-five years old, and I often see people (male and female) older than me pointing out features and what they consider imperfections in others. Most of this to me is jealousy and self-hate. What is a perfect person? Someone flawless. To me, the only thing perfect is the word itself. We fail to realize that sometimes our flaws enhance our beauty.
It’s not all about you; it’s about me too. Feeling loved, hugged, and accepted should be our birthright. A need that is often not met. Self-love means taking care of yourself, seeking happiness, love, and well-being. As women, we often sacrifice to take care of others. Caring for ourselves should not be something we put on the back burner. Do self-love no matter what. What does self-love mean to you? It’s different for each individual. But we all need to start by taking care of ourselves, body, mind, and soul. Eat right (well-balanced meals and drink plenty of water). Stop comparing yourself to models and other people (no two people are the same, you are unique). Last but not least, stay true to yourself and find inner peace.
Yesterday was hectic, and I pray that today will not be a repeat. My weekdays feel like horrible weekends, and I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I know I’m not the only one feeling this lag. It’s like seeing the moon and sun side by side, clear as day during the day, and questioning your sanity. It’s possible, but tell me how, what, when, and why?