I am strong. My sense of self is powerful. I am humble. My actions and my silence are my ROARS. I embrace hard days with compassion (they are only temporary). It brings me joy when I make others smile. My story is mine to tell ( it starts and ends with me). I am capable of reaching and achieving all my dreams and goals. Nothing can stop me. I GOT THIS!
A smile on the outside Even when you’re broke on the inside Is healing Let it be known and shown Stop dressing wounds to hide the hurt Confront the pain and sorrow As if there is no tomorrow Smile from the inside out And show the universe what you’re about
I smile and wonder if GeeMa is with me in spirit. It has been seven years, yet nothing has changed. The road home is long, winding, and lined with honeysuckle trees. The scent is as relaxing as the ride home. The houses with manicured lawns, people conversing on a front porch, children riding their bikes, and playing in their yards only causes me to think back to my childhood days of growing up in Waycross, Georgia. Everything yet nothing was wrong with it. Maybe it’s me. I knew more than I was willing to admit. Me not addressing a truth is denial. And by denying and refusing to accept something as it is, I was only lying to myself. I’m stressing beyond anything recognizable by man. I cannot and will not let the daily pressures of today’s society put wear and tear on me, mentally or physically. Just admitting that I’m crazy as hell, mentally challenged and so far gone, that no doctor can do for me what a friend wouldn’t dare do; which is, ask me the necessary questions, and listen to my answers knowing damn well that I need more help than they can offer. But not ready to hear them suggest, as of yet. Telling lies and keeping secrets is my norm. I’ve grown to accept that sometimes a lie, if dressed right, looks better than the truth. All secrets are deep, and some are dark and dangerous. The hurt and negativity I embody have been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember. No medication, love, hug, smile, or psychiatrist can fully erase the aching and instability the dwells within me. I’ve been thinking long and hard about eradicating this “mess within me” and have decided that I must start now. In confronting my past to survive my present, I must end this madness that exists within me. Lies and secrets cloud the mind, infect the soul, and destroy any chance of healing.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve written in my journal, but Jake’s home from deployment. And I have been busy spending quality time with him and informing him of family matters. The kids are delighted, and I’m ecstatic to have him home. The so-called normalcy of family life has returned to our household. Jai, Jordan, Jaden, Jake, and I are not your typical family of five, but we are the new normal. We get on each other’s nerves but love the time we spend as a unit. Weekends camping as a family are common, and I cherish the long rides to the campsites. We enjoy hearing Jake reminisce about the outings he had with his family as a child. The scenery, smell, and sound of the outside are so vivid when he tells the stories we are invested from beginning to end. As we approach our campsite, I smile because I know we have arrived. Everyone is smiling, conversing, and already making plans for tonight.
May 2, 2021: MY TRUTH
Yesterday was eventful. Setting up tents, fishing, roasting marshmallows as we talk around the campfire. Jake was giving me the side-eye when I packed the chicken salad in the cooler but was grateful later. Is it considered fishing if we caught no fish?
Multi-personalities, schizophrenic, Sybil ain’t got shit on me. We all have more than one personality, and if you are unwilling to admit it, you are only lying to yourself. Once you face the truth, stand before it, and see it for what it is, hell, you may finally learn to love yourself, flaws and all. I love me, but I didn’t always like me. Jake unknowingly stopped my first suicide attempt. I thought the demons within that day were calm, but as I walked along State Street, my thoughts shifted to faking a fall in front of a fast-moving semi-truck. I’d walked two blocks battling the demons inside me when I hear Aretha Franklin’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” playing in a car at the traffic light nearby. I look up, and our eyes are locked. Jake smiled, and something happened that I couldn’t explain, something I have never experienced before. And it was apparent that he, too, was feeling this unfamiliar energy that seemed to introduce and unite us. His friends continued to walk, but he stopped at my side, causing me to turn so that our gaze remained locked, and I managed to smile back at him. My life changed the day I met Jake. Jake is my best friend and savior.